Promise of Spring

It is freezing here in Atlantic Canada. March rolled in with its bitter, icy fury to remind us that Mother Nature decides on the seasons.  We may lament, wax and wane on the virtues of the seasons, lay out our expectations. but we truly have no control.

Life is like that, it rolls in like a season, some good, some bad, some mundane and others pierce the soul and leave you hollowed.  As I get older, I mark the seasons more by the losses, as anniversaries loom of loved ones lost, you remark to yourself the before and after. 

I could fall into clouds of melancholy. I have certainly asked the why's to why? I honestly don't know how you steer through life without faith. I am thankful to Jesus that he bears my laments, my anger, my indifference, my weaknesses. 

I sit here writing for the first time in a very long time, looking out the window to the cold, windy day that March lays on our doorsteps. I wonder how people I love and care about are doing. Yet, I'm to fatigued and weary to pick up the phone because part of me doesn't want to hear how I may have let them down by ignoring them in all this craziness of 2020-21. 

I remain hopeful for spring. How can I not? Life is a gift, good, bad or indifferent, it is a gift to be treasured.  Each year brings with it change, challenges and incredible beauty. In all things, I will praise Him. He is the anchor to my chain, He is the compass that grounds me. 

Quiet

It's been two years since Mathew passed away. I have chosen to keep busy, super busy rather than dwell on missing him and asking why.

However, on the anniversary it feels as though the silence between life and death is huge. You feel the huge void of him being gone. His laughter, his voice, his sarcasm, his compassion.

I see the hole he has left with his mum, dad and sister. Huge, unfillable, gaping.

But, he left a legacy of bravery.  Challenging us all to live, appreciate life, walk forward, laugh, keep busy, love your family and friends.

If only the silence wasn't so heavy.

Five Years on, missed and not forgotten

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The Void is Bigger

One Year of Missing You.

Time

Grief

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden - Funeral Blues

The Lord is My Shpherd

A Psalm of David.

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.[a]
3     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness[b]
    for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[c]
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely[d] goodness and mercy[e] shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell[f] in the house of the Lord
    forever.[g]

2016 ends...

Life is moving forward, I can't control life or the people I love. I can't protect nor shelter those I love. I know moving into 2017 that grief will be knocking. He has been a close foe, nipping at my heels, sometimes gaining ground in my soul, pulling me down into a deep abyss since 2013.

But, I rest in the eye of the storm.  I feel Jesus in that eye, all around me, I can feel the sorrow and anger that surrounds me, but yet at my core Jesus carries me through.  Carries me, the imperfect, cranky, so called Christian who spends more time begging for forgiveness, aware of my failings

I write this not knowing why I am sharing this. Is this some attempt for understanding, for some soothing words, or to put it out there how imperfect I am and yet I am loved by amazing friends and family and my redeemer.   I love Jesus, I do, he is my strength, yet the rawness of this world and the fact that the majority of people I know and love do not know nor love Jesus keeps me one foot in in the door and one foot out.  I feel him calling me deeper.  As I face 2017 I choose Jesus, to not have Him in my life would be to lose all sense of direction and purpose. He is my creator and the one who knows me completely and with all my failings he still chooses me. He uses me to touch others with his love and compassion. May I never let Him down or the ones I love.

Sometimes there are no words

I always knew this, but now I really know this...words for certain situations are woefully inadequate. Sometimes you can be feeling something so deeply and to express the situation to a friend or loved one and to hear their responses to what is to you - life altering, life changing, raw, can be so disappointing.

“In repentance and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength" (Isa. 30:15)

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

Hartley ~ Sweet Hartley

I had lunch today with my good friend Hartley Biggs.  He turned 88 and myself along with my other two wonderful lady friends Marion Sherwood & Jean Watters.  What was so touching was how appreciative Hartley was to spend time with us.  That we would take him to lunch.  When we were leaving, he said to me again, thank you for doing this.  It humbled me, because I often grumble about listening to the same old stories over and over and over again.  But, Hartley is special.  He reminds me of my Uncle Jimmy and of men who were my ideal as grandas.

Family Dinners

Tonight we had a pretty great meal, all together in my pretty diningroom that to this day I still love! We just had a major snow storm, the kids were outside most of the afternoon shovelling our driveway and my parents so I made a turkey dinner.  As everyone was bantering, arguing in that special way that only brings laughter, I couldn't help but remember all the many meals around this table with people I have loved and cared for who have moved on or passed away.  I cherish the memories!

I feel very melancholoy of late, grateful for my amazing children, my husband, my family.  I wish I could put my hands around the ones I love and protect them from the harm of this world, but I can't.  I do feel God's hand around me, helping me stay the course during these tough days of uncertainty and change.

Over

2013...the year that left me cold.

Elf on the Shelf!

Okay, so whom ever invented Elf on the Shelf I'm happy for you!  Your uber rich because umpteen million of these little devils have been sold to add late night havoc to every mother's day!  Now at the end of my day, usually around 11pm or later I jump up in panic because I didn't do something amazing with the Elf!

My daughter laments to me how her Elf doesn't move from his perch...EVER!  I hear all the tales from school (the other place where kids learn how inadequate you are without actually saying that) as they fill you in with all the amazing details of other kids lives and at this time of year it is Elf!

Last year I managed to pull off a few tricks...nothing major for this craft/elf challenged mother!  I peeled open a chocolate bar and took a bite and set it on Elfs lap, I moved him inside the Playmobile advent calendar drawer, and I think I recall sticking him inside my daughter's Barbie house.

However, this year I really had to up my game.  She is ten this year and I realize that this is probably her last Christmas believing in all things magical and wonderful like Santa, tooth fairies and elves!  So I googled Elf on the Shelf, I poured through Pintrest (thank goodness for Pintrest) and I came up with a doozy that to my delight blew her away this morning!

Ella has a wicked sense of humour so I think I will stick to naughty elf pranks (when I remember or can muster up the enthusiasm) and hopefully build some lasting memories of this Christmas season.

Image of God - Christa Wellls and Nicole Witt

Christa Wells - Weightless

Isn't this great!

“What is the use of living, if it be not to strive for noble causes and to make this muddled world a better place for those who will live in it after we are gone?…I avow my faith that we are marching towards better days. Humanity will not be cast down.  We are going on swinging bravely forward along the grand high road and already behind the distant mountains is the promise of the sun.” 

Winston S. Churchill (Dundee, Scotland, on 10 October 1908)