Nasty Nestle

I have always breastfed each of my kids and used child led weaning as my guide. I have done my share of things to support breastfeeding within our community and online. One of those things is being involved with the boycott of Nestle and suporting the efforts of Infact Canada because I believe so strongly in breastfeeding. I realize that not everyone chooses to breastfeed but for many, they aren't given a chance because of the huge companies such as Nestle which uses unethical marketing practices to impede breastfeeding.

The worst part, Nestle does this not only here but also in third world countries where clean water and money is hard to come by...so mothers who could have... should have.... breast fed, cannot... simply because they are told that canned milk is better, superior...to breast milk. They are given free samples and once the free samples run out and the mothers breast milk has dried up, mothers are forced to use dirty water and forumula that is watered down because of the expense or simply because they can not read the directions on the can.

Adding to that, is the practice of dumping inferior formula which may have been recalled here....that is used in poorer countries and in turn, babies die each and every day because of this! I find this cold and disheartening that such a huge, rich company can get away with this.

There are many efforts to stop Nestle....you can write letters, you can stop purchasing their products, you can voice your displeasure at the Nestle displays of formulas in your doctors office, the posters in hospitals and if your hospital is still so far behind as to offer the bag of freebies with free formula, decline it and write a note sharing your displeasure with this practice.
If you would like more information then check out the following email I received from Infact Canada to get a better understanding of the severity of this problem.

May 18, 2007

CBC investigates Nestle malpractice

CBC Radio's The Current recently aired an excellent program on Nestle and the infant formula issue. Host Anna Maria Tremonti speaks to a representative of Save the Children UK, which has just released a report documenting serious violations of the International Code of Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes by the major formula companies. She also speaks to an American sociologist who elaborates on how North American culture has discouraged the natural process of breastfeeding.

To hear the program, click here.

Formula for Disaster: Infant feeding in the Philippines

As reported in the most recent edition of INFACT Canada's newsletter, infant health advocates in the Philippines are fighting a major legal battle to implement strong pro-breastfeeding laws, in the face of opposition from American formula companies. UNICEF Philippines has just released a video revealing the catastrophic effect that formula promotion has had on infant health in that country. Only 16% of infants in the Philippines are exclusively breastfed, despite the huge financial toll formula takes on an impoverished family, and the risks that formula poses to young children.

To view the video, click here.

Another great magazine that really encourages breastfeeding and a more simpler lifestyle is Compleat Mother....which profoundly affirmed my instincts as a mother.

The Simplicity of the Gospel

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You know, there are many valid reasons why a person would not choose to believe in Christianity. I totally get that! My own husband isn't sure what he believes and it will take a lot more than the status quo to change his mind.

Along those same lines, within the Christian community it seems to be so fragmented, with each church, denomination, tv evangelist, movement, etc...stating the facts as they see fit and claiming it as gospel! I find it challenging at best to work it all out, and I understand why those looking in at the Christian community hold us up to so much ridicule and contempt.

One area of preaching that I find repugnant is the prosperity movement. We prop God up as a sugar daddy who can't wait to hand out goodies to his usually white, prosperous north american worshippers who pray and worship in the proper way instructed from the latest $20-$100 book set that will give you the keys to the kingdom and daddy's purse strings.

If however, you don't get rich, cure yourself of cancer, or fix that failing marriage...well...look no closer than yourself and do some self-analysis to figure out what your inner demons are that hold you back from really connecting with Jesus.
Oh, and don't worry about the poor and dying in other areas of the world...they must be doing something wrong and heck, you can now afford to sponser a child or donate at christmas a shoe box of goodies.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in the above mentioned forms of donation, but we need to do more. We have to do more. I think it starts in our churches by saying we don't support sermons about money or that if you only pray more you can heal that cancer...or get off those anti-depressants...how condescending and judgemental.

When I become overwhelmed with all that I read and hear within the christian community...I stop, pull away and go back to the basics tenet of MY faith. Jesus accepts me as I am right now today...he accepts everyone as they are today when they call out his name, even though I may not agree with it!

I think he welcomes our struggles, our failures, our doubts and anger in figuring out our relationship with Him. Our desire to put in place rules and how to's only complicates what is such a simple, clear message of acceptance and love...though with no guarantees of health, wealth and an easy life.

Stomping on the working class...

Many of us are aware of the new refinery to be built in the beautiful area of Mispec along our beautiful coastline. We as citizens of this area have been faulted for not fighting to stop this proposal. The reality is that most people accepted this news as an inevitable event because of the growing need for energy and the need for jobs in our local area.

I have to admit I am very conflicted by the idea of another refinery. One side of me appreciates the fact that for the first time in years we might finally stop the mass exodus out of our province and keep families together and offer young people a well paying job that can provide for their future.

Yet, the other side of me struggles with the knowledge that we can never get back our coastline. If we really believe that the environmental damage will be minimal we are delusional. I wonder what my children and grandchildren will say to me someday....

But, adding to this internal struggle is the knowledge that the community of Red Head and Mispec are directly affected! My personal struggle on this issue is pitiful compared to their reality! We have all witnessed the pollution over the years from the refinery on the east side...and even with the major improvements made to the Saint John refinery, it still pollutes and the residents who live in Champlain Heights can attest to that.

What must the residents of Mispec & Red Head be thinking when they realize that they will be trading their fresh air and quiet vistas for pollution, noise, trucks, and the daily commute of workers going back and forth to the refinery each day....do we really believe this will not affect them?

Some residents would like Irving to buy them out at fair market values and allow them to move away and start fresh. Irving is refusing to do this if their home is located outside of their arbitrary line. I would love to see Irving step up and truly show to the citizens and business community at large what it means to be a good neighbour... a good corporate citizen! For me, it will take more than some trees planted to give me the warm fuzzies....

If you care to read more on this issue go to CBC and read about one local couple fighting for fairness when it comes to their home. Or visit Alli's blog to get information on how you can help by writing a letter to voice your concerns that residents be treated with monetary fairness and respect.

Many people stand to make lots of money from this deal...why shouldn't the residents be fairly compensated? They are already losing out on the longterm equity that comes with owning waterfront property let alone the disruption to their lives. This shouldn't even be an issue about doing the right thing!

Ella's First Dance Class

Ella recently started her first dance class. If you know Ella, you know she loves to sing, dance and listen to music or act out scences from her princess movies. So, I was excited for her to start this class.

She had been excited for so long to start but upon arriving she became very shy. She didn't want to leave me and informed me that she wanted to go home. So, I stayed with her and within 10 minutes she had warmed up enough that she decided to "put her shyness away" to join the other girls and dance with them!

It was so much fun to watch my little girl be so free and filled with such joy as she danced and played her way around the room. She would often look for me and wave or call out to me to say hi and being the proud mamma, I couldn't take my eyes or camera of of her.

The Irish Have Landed....

Well...I finally have a minute to sit and write...well actually, I'm tired but dread going to sleep because my dog will wake me, so this is a great time filler...but more about the dog later!

It has been a hectic time lately but one filled with lots of laughter and fun! Shane & Alli have arrived in Canada and are settled into our home and hopefully feeling at home! I still can't believe they are here and we are all so happy that they are!

We have spent the last 10 days searching for a new home and getting settled and working out all the details on their long to do list! Thankfully, it is getting shorter and they can focus on the really important stuff which is setting up their charity and working on their immigration papers.

They found a beautiful new home overlooking the Kennebecasis River which they will have to renovate, though only on a cosmetic level, but that can grow too! The house appears in very good condition (Harry approved!) and it comes with 1.7 acres for Shane to stomp around on and feel like a king! They will have lots of fun decorating their new home and then hosting me for numerous meals and babysitting my kids as Andy and I take off on road trips of our own! Hah hah...like I could leave my kids!

The kids are really enjoying having them here! It has been pretty easy having them around and the kids enjoy hanging out with them! Jack seemed to get off to a good start on learning guitar. Hopefully, this will continue since Shane is a great guitar player and it seems to have inspired Jack...somewhat! Homeschooling has slacked off a bit, but every so often I crack the whip and Jack and Sam enter into my radar zone and the math books are whipped out and we go a big crazy doing a bunch of pages at a time!

Andy has missed out almost completely as he has been on a shutdown. He is gone 14 hours per day and sleeps the rest and basically lives like a zombie! Though, we did squeeze in a dinner with Heidi and Jon last Friday night which was lots of fun. Normally for me, it turns me into a bit of a zombie but having Shane & Alli here to keep me busy and the constant banter...I have been enjoying myself and the change in my routine is making time fly by until Andy is finished...though he may not agree!

I can't say the same for my dog! Maggie is an extremely nervous dog and upon meeting Shane, she emptied her bowels all over my kitchen floor! Then for the next week we had to listen to her growl or bark or poop and run! Now to add insult to injury, she has developed some sort of gastro infection which has meant that she has been throwing up and having diahrea.

This has left me a basket case because I am up with her every two hours and when I'm not doing that, I'm cleaning up poop of the floors, her bum or washing her towels from having to bath her 2-3 times a day because she gets poop all over her! She is now wearing diapers! Yep, I cut a hole in a diaper and she wears one when I am to exhausted to bathe her right away...such as 3am! Poor Shane & Alli took pity on me during the worst of it when we would discover another accident in the house! How's that for making a house guest feel at home! Put them to work cleaning up poop!

Well, I should try to get some sleep...but the thought of getting up to face a wet, cold night outside with a dog who needs her bum wiped....well....

Another School Shooting

It was with horror that I watched the news unfold yesterday about Virginia Tech. 33 people dead, including the gunman. The incomprehensible horror of such a violent act leaves you without words.

I ache for the dead, the violence they experienced in their last moments...I'm sure we will hear of many acts of bravery during this horrible situation. I pray for the families and friends affected and for the healing of the wounded.

I don't know why a person would be so determined to carry out such a violent act...he must have been in great despair or suffering from some sort of mental illness to do such a horrendous thing and to do it so methodically. His family will need lots of support and prayer living with the aftermath of their son's actions. I pray that we can find out what set off this young man and perhaps learn from it to somehow prevent any further repeats of this now more common event.

Homecoming...

A Fine Balance

I am almost to the end of this 768 page heavy weight novel by Rohinton Mistry. I find myself deliberately slowing my pace reading it to make it last a bit longer! I picked this book up at a yard sale last summer along with a bunch of other great books that I chose to read before this one...probably because of the size and subject....I struggle to make time for reading because I prefer to sit and read a book quickly. But with four kids who tend to interrupt me, I end up feeling cranky so I have used it as an excuse to only read books for information versus pleasure...bad I know!

The novel is slow to unwind but you won't mind because the author weaves such a vivid picture of India's disturbed political and social climate in the mid-1970s and describes in detail the huge divide between rich and poor, the treatment of woman and children and the total disregard for the poor & handicapped. The characters are warm and loving even though they to have many of the same bias towards one another depending on their caste.

What has kept me absorbed is the characters sheer determination to live...the will to keep moving, to outsmart the evil found in a system that was corrupt and cruel...because to give up is to die. Yet, if any of us found ourselves in the situations of the main characters I wonder if we wouldn't give up?

The conditions were horrible and cruel, yet they found happiness in the simplest of things...reminding you that joy is found in the smaller details of life....not the grandiose, but the brief moments that makes your soul lurch and your heart lighten. When they had little they still gave to those less fortunate. It wasn't done out of guilt, but rather, out of compassion and humility knowing that there was others worse off than they were!

The sheer cruelty towards humanity told in this book will shock you...yet, it reminds you why our world is often the way it is. We have an incredible capacity towards cruelty, indifference, and apathy. These people were beaten down by a system that was corrupt at every level, which is then reflected in their own value system and actions. Society considered the poor dispensible, replacable, clutter, a blight on the city and country.

Yet, you will be humbled as you are reminded that within all of us is the capacity to reach out and touch people with kindness, compassion and respect. Even though values can be skewed, choices made dependent on the situation, it is more important to judge the character or intent behind the action rather than your perception or understanding of it based on your own situation or where you are in life.

11 Rules of Life You Don't Learn in School

This is an excerpt from the book "Dumbing Down our Kids" by educator Charles Sykes. It is a list of eleven things you did not learn in school and directed at high school and college grads.

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out
of high school. You won't be a vice president with
car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping
they
called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades and they'll give you as many times as
you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for
one.

More on Afghanistan

If you go to CBC you can read another good article about Afghanistan. The question....Is the country collapsing?

These are valid questions that demand serious consideration by our governement and military. At the same time...we have a responsibility to ask questions and demand answers...I for one do not want to see Afghanistan returned to the Taliban or any other militant group that represses men, woman and children the way they did.

But, I also don't want to see our troops killed or maimed because our leaders can't get their ass in gear and actually come up with a plan of action. We can't continue to watch money intended for the rebuilding of Afghanistan to be squandered to the rich and powerful. There has to be a way to provide security while rebuilding the country....

But, as the world falls deeper into war mentality we have to take this seriously and not stick our heads in the sand. What that looks like I'm not sure...but I do know that I want to do more....

CBC News Indepth....Afghanistan

Afghanistan's economy is growing like gangbusters. Problem is, more than a quarter century of war and an attempt by the Taliban to isolate the country from modern influences has left the economy in ruins.

A United Nations report in February 2005, concluded that Afghanistan remains one of the world's least developed countries. It ranked 173rd out of 178 countries surveyed – beating five states in sub-Saharan Africa.

Out of every 1,000 babies born in Afghanistan, 142 die before reaching one year of age. A woman dies in pregnancy every 30 minutes. Overall life expectancy is estimated at just under 42.5 years.

Afghanistan is a landlocked country of about 28 million people, bordered by Pakistan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and Iran. It is a land of mountains, plains, cold winters and hot summers – and is often threatened by earthquakes and floods.

Afghanistan is a conservative Islamic country and 99 per cent of its population is Muslim. Shariah law, an Islamic legal code based on the Qu'ran, is strictly enforced. In 2003, a court sentenced two Afghan journalists to death for blasphemy but they escaped and sought asylum abroad. In March 2006, an Afghan man was brought before a Shariah court and faced a possible death penalty because he converted from Islam to Christianity.

The Soviet Union invaded and occupied Afghanistan in 1979, to prop up a Communist government and to suppress a growing Islamic fundamentalist movement it feared would spread to southern Soviet republics.

But the war went badly for the Soviets. By 1989, they were driven out of the country by anti-communist mujahedeen forces (trained and supplied by the United States, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan). A third of the population fled the country while the various factions fought. Most went to Pakistan and Iran.

The war also provided fertile training ground for Osama bin Laden and the Taliban movement.

Once the Soviets were gone, Afghanistan's numerous factions lost their one common goal – liberating the country from foreign occupiers. The factions clashed – and by the late 1990s the Taliban emerged as the dominant force. It seized control of most of the country, including the capital, Kabul.

The Taliban imposed its ultra-conservative version of Islamic law on the country: television was banned, women were barred from attending school, driving and working outside the home.

The United States accused the Taliban government of harbouring Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda, which Washington blamed for a number of deadly attacks.

The Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon in Washington made bin Laden and the Taliban the prime targets of the American military.

Barely a month after the attacks, an American-led coalition drove out the Taliban government. Most of its senior leaders – as well as Osama bin Laden – remain at large.

Since then, Afghanistan's economy has been growing at 25 per cent a year. It is projected to keep growing by about 10 per cent a year through the first decade of the 21st century.

Much of that has been fuelled by the billions of dollars in aid countries have pledged to help rebuild the country.

But there are concerns that much of the country's income is being siphoned off by warlords with strong political and military connections, further widening the gap between rich and poor.

Canada participated in the UN-mandated International Security Assistance Force, which was created in late 2001 to help bring stability to the country.

Canada ended its role in late 2005 and committed a battle group of about 2,000 personnel to Kandahar in early 2006. Canadian Brigadier General David Fraser was to take the command of the multinational brigade consisting of Canadian, British and Dutch troops in March 2006.

There remain huge challenges: Afghanistan has the worst education system in the world, according to UN calculations. Nearly three-quarters of adults are illiterate and few girls go to school in many parts of the country.

The UN report points to positive developments as well. It notes that the October 2004 election won by President Hamid Karzai showed Afghanistan's political progress. It was an election that forces loyal to the former Taliban government had vowed to disrupt.

The election went off relatively smoothly. Still, Karzai has been referred to as the President of Kabul, as the government continues to have difficulty exercising its influence in the rugged and fiercely independent countryside.

With American help, Afghanistan is rebuilding its army, aiming for a projected 2006 full combat strength of 40,000 soldiers. That's more than twice as many as were in place at the end of 2004.

The American general overseeing the effort expects that the training of an overall force of 70,000, including a headquarters and other non-combat personnel, would be complete by 2008.

At the beginning 2005, there were promising signs that Afghanistan's political climate was warming up. Moderate members of the former Taliban government were negotiating with Karzai's government – among them, a former UN envoy and two former deputy ministers. They're members of a group called Khudam-ul Furqan (Servants of the Koran), which attracted several moderate Taliban members.

At the time, more militant Taliban guerrilla officials dismissed talk of reconciliation. They vowed to continue their war against the Karzai government and foreign forces.

In the fall of 2005, attacks by the Taliban insurgency increased in southern and eastern Afghanistan. The Taliban began using improvised explosive devices, basing their tactics on the insurgency in Iraq, as well as suicide attacks and raids on remote villages in a growing attempt to destabilize the Karzai government.

Six Soldiers Dead

Yesterday in Afghanistan six Canadian soldiers died from a roadside bomb. Five were from the Base CFB Gagetown. When I heard the news last night I felt that same helplessness. Pray for the families, pray for our soldiers, pray for the innocent...just pray.

Happy Easter

Well, I stayed up late, tidying up after the kids, filling more little plastic eggs with candy and then filling their baskets...we even bought a bone for our dog Maggie and treats for Finnigan our cat...while sending up prayers that the cat treat was safe!

We all woke up to a cold, snowy, blustery March...woops April morning! After church we will come home and have pancakes, apple sausages and bacon with homemade baked beans! Then I will hide all those shiny coloured eggs outside in the snow. The kids are excited and it should be lots of fun!

I always remember back in Ireland how each year my parents, my Aunty Jean and Uncle Jimmy and five kids would walk up into Woodburn for a picnic or we would drive to Troopers Lane and have a picnic there and roll eggs down the hill...there was no easter bunny, or hoopla of lining up in stores to buy tons of candy...you received a lovely chocolate egg which I would normally receive a week early and it would sit on my dresser calling out to me to break into the back of it and pinch pieces of chocolate before Easter morning.

We never attended church...though I wanted too. My parents avoided all things religious both in Ireland and in Canada. I remember when a Minister came to our home here in Canada. He was a lovely man, his name was Mr. Evans and he used to be a milk man before giving that up to become a Minister. He was big, jolly, gentle spirited man. He asked mum and dad if we ever went to church, of course mum and dad said yes though this was a blatant mis-representation of the facts...and naturally, you can guess who blurted out the truth...moi! I pipe up, that no we don't go to church, never do....then I was cut off with two piercing glares from embarrassed parents! I knew I was in for it later! We never did get to attend his small country church, but I went to school with his son Darren and would bump into Mr. Evans at different times over the years and kept in touch until he moved away.

Ultimately, Mr. Evans married me and Andy. I had already booked my church at the fanciest, oldest church in the city when I bumped into him and learned he was back in the city and had a church on the East side. I cancelled my fancy church (hey, it was the 80's and Princess Diana had just been married and I wanted that long walk!) for a very small (as in short walk), humble church and was married by a minister whom I loved and felt truly cared for me and Andy.

I remember telling him that in no uncertain terms was I changing my name. He said he had never married anyone yet who hadn't changed their name. I challenged him to show me where in the Bible it states that a woman has to change her name...he promised to check with his Bishops and sure enough, I was right, it wasn't in the Bible and was happy to honour what he thought was an odd request. He never made me feel badly and enjoyed the challenge...though, my concession was playing a really bad irish ballad which was his request! I still remember the pained looks on people's faces...but he enjoyed it!

Well, I've digressed, its late and I have to head to church as we will late as usual. I wanted to share this verse that Shane & Alli sent me yesterday via text message...it arrived when I really needed it!

The Dark Night is Over.
The day start rises again in our hearts
The misdeeds of yesterday are
gloriously transfigured
in the blinding light
of this resurrection morning.

Today is Easter, resurrection morning, the snow has laid a crisp, white layer on this frozen ground. But, underneath, life is breaking thru to rise again into a new season.

Happy Easter!

Kahlil Gibran

An excerpt from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but are not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your chilren
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in th earcher's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So he loves also the bow that is stable.

I read this poem many years ago now...when I was a new mother...still walking in awe of actually being a mother! I felt so protective of my baby...wanting his life to be perfect...or as near perfect as I could make it.

But, that poem has reminded me throughout the years that these children that I birthed from my body...that I dreamed about before they were even conceived, were not mine nor mine to mold into statues of what I think they should be. They are here to blaze their own trail in life and I hope I will always honour that.

Theology

"Theology moves back and forth between two poles, the eternal truth of its foundations and the temporal situation in which the eternal truth must be received." [Paul Tillich, "Systematic Theology," 1951]

Shane & Alli

Shane & Alli are a couple I met on myspace. When Andy and I pondered moving back to Ireland a couple of years ago I used my blog to connect with people from Northern Ireland. One of the blogs was about Shane & Alli and their plan to take a trip across North America and the ministry he created called fakerepublic.com . I told them to drop in if they travelled this way...and to my surprise....they did!

What developed was an instant friendship and kinship. They feel like family and we welcomed them and miss them like close family and we truly ache when we realize how far away they are. I confess to waking in the night to pray for them...as I would sometimes worry about their safety since they often would sleep in their van or just to keep their path free and clear.

Well, they finally returned home to London to interview for two different but prestigous universities. Alli would return to school to get a law degree and Shane his doctorate. Well in a matter of weeks, everything has changed and they turned down their universities after being accepted and now everything is back up in the air.

One of their considerations is to return to Canada...including the humble province of New Brunswick to settle and see where God leads them. Naturally, we would love this...many people here would be thrilled...but ultimately when I pray for them, it is that God will clear the way for Shane & Alli to know clearly and concisely where they need to go....because wherever they go, they will bring about change. It is vital that it be a place where they will receive support, encouragement, love and appreciation for who they are and what they want to do for the Lord.

But also, that they go to a place where they can simply be Shane & Alli. I believe the Lord has big plans for them, but in the process it is vital that they do not become overwhelmed with the needs of the many and lose themselves. It is their honesty and willingness to be common, to show doubt and confusion yet still convey the deep faith that sustains them....people recognize that and love them for it.

Trusting God

I have to confess that I have been struggling with all things religious this past year. Everywhere I turn there seems to be a different spin on who or what Jesus is and what people believe to be the correct interpertation of the Bible. Scripture is the tool to pick and choose from to bolster your position. I love the challenge of trying to figure it all out....but often it leads me to confusion and it causes me retreat to be alone with my thoughts and prayers...

Therefore, it was so refreshing to hear the pastor of our church speak about the latest book on the market called "The Secret" and the whole prosperity movement taking over churches everywhere as this has been bothering me too this past year. I value his thoughts and knew it would be good!

Now, to many of us it is almost laughable to take seriously the idea of richness or acquiring things as something to focus on....most of us are your average working class joes struggling to pay our bills and pray that no emergencies pop up to set you further back.

Not that we don't dream of such things...it just isn't the focus of who we are. Many of us are more interested in building relationships and fellowship than on focusing or meditating on the almighty dollar. It isn't to say that having money is wrong...but when your focus is on chasing dollars instead of a relationship with God or your loved ones then you have created for yourself an idol.

What I took away from his sermon was the reminder that God gives and God takes away. As Christians we are not promised great wealth, health or success and not having it doesn't mean that God favours you any less than those who do have those blessings.

Why should we be exempt from suffering? Suffering has a way of shaping our character more often than good times. Can we still muster up some trust in God in our moments of agony or despair, when you cry out to him and you can't hear him or feel him near...can you still trust God to see you through it? When I am struggling, I remember Jesus' words to me "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

At church, Sarah told me that she planned to walk this long path of deep pain and grief from losing her fiancee to suicide. I believe she is honoring both herself and Nato yet recognizing the importance of not trying to rush through it or stuffing down her incredible loss and the anger and pain which naturally follows. She is such an amazing person!

I believe that God will help us work our way through the hard questions. He can handle our anger and pain....he wants us to fight our way to the other side....our life may not be as we planned it...but it will be our life....we may have battle scars that will remain tender when prodded...but they will be reminders of how far we have come and how much more compassion we have for others when we see their struggles.

March is Birthday Month....

This past month there has been four birthdays of significance plus one more at the end of March. Ella turned four on the 16th and we had a wonderful time having a tea party with her cousin Sarah and good friend Kathleen. While they are having their tea party I have a lunch for the adults.

I made a decision with ella to keep her guest list to 2-3 friends as birthday parties have a way of growing into this huge monster....my older three have had some amazing parties that have left me frazzled and broke. Nothing extreme, but once you add in goodie bags, food, prizes, and at times public venues it gets very expensive.

It all started years ago when Ben was in playschool of all things! All those cute little toddlers...it was fun and you didn't want to leave anyone out to avoid hurting feelings. But, the problem is that the following year they are looking for the same thing. Both Andy and I are suckers when it comes to the kids. He'd rather work over-time to pay for it than disappoint them.

Thankfully, with experience comes wisdom...or laziness...who knows for sure...but I knew that with ella, there was no way I was making the same mistake again. So, each birthday we enjoy a stress free birthday party with lovely little cakes, juice served in little plastic wine glasses and an assortment of treats. The girls dress up in their prettiest princess dresses....and have fun eating and then playing with their dolls.

For the adults, I always enjoy making a nice healthy but delicious lunch...usually tying in St. Patrick's Day. I served turkey stew with dumplings, whole grain brown bread, an apple torte and coffee & tea...all home made and inexpensive to make.

Sam's 13th birthday was on the 22nd and it was low key. However, next Friday we are taking his friends out for pizza and pop at Pizza Delight. No big deal and it shouldn't be to expensive and hopefully he will enjoy hanging out in a restaurant with his friends.

Tonight I am having my very best friends Heidi & Jon over for dinner. It was delayed from last weekend because Andy had to work. But, Jon just turned 40 and he is like a brother to me. I enjoy making my roast beef dinner with garlic mashed potatoes and yorkshire puddings for him. I have an almond torte in the oven and that will be his birthday cake! I get to look forward to splurging on a yummy meal with some nice red wine and hanging out with good friends!

I Can Breathe....

On Sunday night we went to a birthday celebration with all the people from my church. It was a wonderful evening, relaxed, fun and easy. The McCready's who hosted it are the most kindest, nicest, relaxed people whom I am happy to say we are slowly getting to know. The highlight for me was seeing a friend there that I had been wanting to talk to...who had recently lost her fiancee to suicide. I guess I just wanted her to know that I really cared and she was in my thoughts and prayers almost daily since it happened.

Well, as it happened she came over as I was chatting to her mum and she became upset because there was a photo of her fiance Nato on the fridge. I in turn started crying too...which is something I hate doing, and I was even more embarrassed because I was at a party!!!! But, I really ached for her and for me because I can't reconcile Michele's suicide. So...that night, Sarah and I ended up talking and crying together on the stairs. I was finally able to express my inner turmoil to someone who understood and I didn't feel the need to over explain myself. She just understood my suffering as I understand hers...even though her loss is so much more incredibly personal.

I admire Sarah so much...she is such a fighter with the most beautiful spirit...she also has two amazing sisters and I often get homesick for my own sister when I see the three of them together...I've wanted to jump in and beg to be adopted!

Since Sunday night, I have felt so much better. That huge knot that was cutting of my breath has receded. I realize I have been pulling away from so many things...friends, church, prayer, God, family, I've been so lost.

Three major events happened this past year that set me adrift. This may sound strange to some, but I have been dreaming in darkness at night. Unable to remember my dreams or if I did they were a jumbled mess...reflective of my inner battles.

I haven't anchored yet, but I am getting there. I noticed in the past two weeks, I have been dreaming in colour again. So many times I was blessed with beautiful dreams that I knew were from the Lord but this past year...nothing!

I have felt so cut off from the Lord but mainly I was hiding from him hoping he wouldn't see me in all my failures. It reminds me of one time when ella was about to do something naughty and she realized I was watching her. She said to me "mummy, don't see me!" I felt it was so profound because so often, we don't want Jesus to see us when we are making a mess of our lives...but the reality is he does and he loves us in spite of our failings or weaknesses.

I know that nothing in life...good or bad is wasted. I recognize the profound changes in myself that this past year forced onto me...which I am eternally grateful for. I am so much more compassionate towards others...I believe more than ever in the acceptance of Jesus who receives us as we are....but the constant struggle is to forgive ourselves, to reconcile with our own inner demons that haunt us and work hard to keep us trapped in emotions from long ago.

I hear the message to just let it go...or forgive and move on...yadda yadda insert the latest self-help mantra....but often that creates bondage as well because the person struggling to come to grips with their own stuff can in turn feel even worse because their relationship with Jesus hasn't necessarily released them from all that ails them....Often, it is the struggles that build you albeit slowly and often painfully....or at least that is what I tell myself!

Oh and Sarah, if you ever read this....I just love you so much! Sorry to sound so sappy...but your an amazing person and I hope that somehow you always feel the love and prayers that goes up for you each day from so many people that you have touched in your life!