You know, as an old person at the grand old age of 41 (or so my friend Shane likes to call me, to make himself feel young) you begin to realize that what seemed like the smallest of decisions made when we were young, that we thought didn't mean a thing....really do shape your future.It isn't till later, when you realize that every decision, no matter how small...acts as small piece in the jigsaw puzzle which shapes your life. I can now, more clearly see, how choices I made in my early twenties sent me in directions that I never imagined going...or how choices made lead you down paths you never intended to go.
Like everyone, I have regrets...I really wish I could go back in time and take back comments, opinions, actions and fears. I wish I could have been stronger or braver...heck I wish I could have been more free spirited instead of the old soul that I was and to a degree still am. I wish I could choose to do things differently which may have changed the outcome of who I am today....where I am today. I wish I could reach out to people I truly loved and be their anchor in the storm.
I am not talking about my husband or kids...those are choices I would never change....in fact, if I hadn't experienced some of the struggles that I did, I never would have recognized the kind, loving man I married. I would never have the amazingly beautiful, loving kids that I have and for that I am truly blessed. When I doubt my place before God I need only look at the faces of my children and I believe that God would never have given them to just anybody...he trusted me to do a good job by them.
But, life has a way of reconnecting, colliding, even if you don't want it to...I never imagined it would...but it does. The trick is figuring out how to fit it into the puzzle pieces already in place. Is there a spot for it, will it fit in and become part of me...or will I get to toss it aside hoping it isn't an important piece...or better yet, a piece I can slip in at the end....when I'm truly old and hopefully more forgiving of myself.
3 comments:
Just like any puzzle, we don't know where each piece belongs, when to pick it up and use it or if it will make a pretty picture in the end. Although the big picture is there, we can't get there quickly and we don't know what piece to maneouver to make this building process of who we are go more smoothly. We can't go back in life and undo the things we did or the choices we made. I think they are predetermined in a way; they shape us and they are reflective of where we are at that particular moment. I think the end result is the most important. When we die, can we say we did our best, we had good intentions and we enjoyed the process when we could and dealt with the hurdles when we encountered them? I think we have to forgive the mistakes (or perhaps more aptly, what we were led to do, as fate was really guiding us) and be proud of all the good things we have accomplished. In your case, the kindness and downright wisdom you have in you blows me away. Not in a goody-two-shoes sort of way, but in an inherent way. You are an old soul indeed, but even an old soul can act like a young girl just experimenting and finding her way in life. Any "mistakes" she makes along the way makes her human and flawed but in a gentle way; an innocent way. Luck can be a good or bad friend, but it always has a purpose. It is to be accepted, but it can be cursed first, then kicked aside. I say, as a mother, one should forgive themselves as they would forgive their children. Totally, completely, and with kindness, as mistakes may not really be mistakes, just outright bad luck. That's what I think...
Linda (flawed and all...)
Love you...I always know you have my back! Your pretty wise to boot!
I know... :)
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