You know, as an old person at the grand old age of 41 (or so my friend Shane likes to call me, to make himself feel young) you begin to realize that what seemed like the smallest of decisions made when we were young, that we thought didn't mean a thing....really do shape your future.It isn't till later, when you realize that every decision, no matter how small...acts as small piece in the jigsaw puzzle which shapes your life. I can now, more clearly see, how choices I made in my early twenties sent me in directions that I never imagined going...or how choices made lead you down paths you never intended to go.
Like everyone, I have regrets...I really wish I could go back in time and take back comments, opinions, actions and fears. I wish I could have been stronger or braver...heck I wish I could have been more free spirited instead of the old soul that I was and to a degree still am. I wish I could choose to do things differently which may have changed the outcome of who I am today....where I am today. I wish I could reach out to people I truly loved and be their anchor in the storm.
I am not talking about my husband or kids...those are choices I would never change....in fact, if I hadn't experienced some of the struggles that I did, I never would have recognized the kind, loving man I married. I would never have the amazingly beautiful, loving kids that I have and for that I am truly blessed. When I doubt my place before God I need only look at the faces of my children and I believe that God would never have given them to just anybody...he trusted me to do a good job by them.
But, life has a way of reconnecting, colliding, even if you don't want it to...I never imagined it would...but it does. The trick is figuring out how to fit it into the puzzle pieces already in place. Is there a spot for it, will it fit in and become part of me...or will I get to toss it aside hoping it isn't an important piece...or better yet, a piece I can slip in at the end....when I'm truly old and hopefully more forgiving of myself.
