Wednesday, September 14, 2005

September.....New Possibilites

You know, the one thing I have learned about homeschooling is to expect the unexpected. I find that homeschooling humbles with your kids 24/7 being privy to their moods and needs and wants on a continual basis can leave you swinging from great highs to great lows.

Being responsible for their education can be matter what way you choose to do it. Just when you think you have it all figured out you discover you know nothing! Those darn kids go and change on you and disrupt your best laid plans.

I think the only consistent thing I have done in homeschooling is to be inconsistent. Yet, overall, they are learning...albeit, maybe not to your standards or your neighbours or gasp the "public system" but they do learn and they learn well! So far, they all test grades ahead on the CAT's.

I still have mini panic attacks worrying that somehow this is all for nothing. They may grow up and become disfunctional adults looking for therapy to recover from their time spent at home with their mother. Worse than that...falling into a dead end job, no further ahead than if they had gone the traditional route.

However, even with all the anxiety and stress that comes with this journey I am still glad I'm doing it. I wouldn't trade one single morning where we all loll about and discuss our day or whatever snippet that comes out of their head.

I don't know how they could have ever been as close as they are or as close to their baby sister. This time is such a gift...while your in the midst of another crazy day or another day of the same ole same don't see the movie being created in your head.

But sit quietly at the end of your day and run through the moments...the laughter, the jokes, the moments when you made a difference and yes the stressful moments and the tears that do come is far grander than any movie or television show. It is the simple and the mundane that you will miss as they grow. You will suddenly get a glimpse into the past and feel the sting of wishing for one more moment, one more snuggle or one more nap more messy kitchen from making pancakes in the more opportunity to wrap them in a towel as you lift them from the tub.

Now I see glimpses of the men they are to become. I see the strength in their eyes...the firmness in their step. I notice the extra time spent fixing their hair, matching their clothes, or remembering to bring their music wherever they go. I am enjoying the quiet conversations...the shared thoughts and hopes of their young minds. I feel so priviledged to be a part of this...I only pray that I won't screw them up to much with my own emotions or my own inability to keep up with them.

I realized that I am struggling with letting go of my not so little boys who are ready to start letting me go. I see the realization in their eyes that their parents actually have flaws....I'm not used to that! Used to be a cookie and a hug fixed most things...beyond that...$5 did the trick! Now I see that their needs are deeper, our responses have to be more thoughtful and considerate of where they are is hard...but I want to mature with them...