Saturday, December 31, 2016
Life is moving forward, I can't control life or the people I love. I can't protect nor shelter those I love. I know moving into 2017 that grief will be knocking. He has been a close foe, nipping at my heels, sometimes gaining ground in my soul, pulling me down into a deep abyss since 2013.
But, I rest in the eye of the storm. I feel Jesus in that eye, all around me, I can feel the sorrow and anger that surrounds me, but yet at my core Jesus carries me through. Carries me, the imperfect, cranky, so called Christian who spends more time begging for forgiveness, aware of my failings
I write this not knowing why I am sharing this. Is this some attempt for understanding, for some soothing words, or to put it out there how imperfect I am and yet I am loved by amazing friends and family and my redeemer. I love Jesus, I do, he is my strength, yet the rawness of this world and the fact that the majority of people I know and love do not know nor love Jesus keeps me one foot in in the door and one foot out. I feel him calling me deeper. As I face 2017 I choose Jesus, to not have Him in my life would be to lose all sense of direction and purpose. He is my creator and the one who knows me completely and with all my failings he still chooses me. He uses me to touch others with his love and compassion. May I never let Him down or the ones I love.
I always knew this, but now I really know this...words for certain situations are woefully inadequate. Sometimes you can be feeling something so deeply and to express the situation to a friend or loved one and to hear their responses to what is to you - life altering, life changing, raw, can be so disappointing.