Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Blowing in the wind....



Today we went apple picking as a family. It was technically Ella's first time because she doesn't remember the last time we took her as she was around age two.
It was a beautiful, crisp fall day. We took the ferry over to the Kingston Peninsula and enjoyed all the pretty colours on our way to the farm.

We have been going there since the kids were in pre-school. I took Ben & Sam when Ben was maybe 4 or 5 when he was in Beavers. We used to go yearly and I have some amazing photos showing the kids from one year to the next. I used to organize homeschooling trips to the apple farm but after that ended, a new baby, a move, a sick mother, the falls moved to quickly to winter and we skipped it for a couple of years...maybe even three! So, going apple picking always makes me nostalgic for the times gone by.

So, today I found myself outside in the fresh air, picking apples, taking pictures, munching on apples that can only be described as exploding with pleasure in your mouth, picking pumpkins and the three oldest playing catch with an apple! It was all so idyllic...and it was except...

Except before that, to get there, I had to do soo many things to be ready. Andy slept till 1pm ish...I ran out to get gas in the van, buy cat food, get money, teach & mark math for two kids, go over science, make lunch, clean the kitchen and get a load of laundry on the line and another one started. Then I had to get all those darn recyclables sorted and into the mudroom so that hopefully Andy would get rid of them. I then doggy proofed the house so that maggie our shitty dog wouldn't leave presents in rooms that I didn't want her in.

I only bring this up because by the time we made it into the van, I was feeling cranky...Ben made a joke about it and I then blabbed off all that I had to do so that five other people could sail out the door oblivious. I just felt stupid & bad for complaining. I almost feel stupid for having so much responsibility, like it is something I have done to myself...if I was freer, or relaxed more I could do more for myself...but at this stage of my life "me" time is not readily available and I am fine with that...I am clear on where my priorities lie...and it is with my children and my hardworking hubbie.

Then fast forward to the evening. We went to my sil's to help my brother pull in the raft. After a nice visit we came home and everyone scatters. I had to bath ella...which is no big deal...except I wondered as I scrubbed the tub and washed away all those stray little hairs, does anyone really notice or care about such details...the fact that I do, does that make me nutty? The thought of Ella bathing in a tub that is not freshly scrubbed fills me with dread. Which then led me to think that if I wasn't here would Andy even know to do that...does he realize that it is important for little girls to have nice clean baths with bubbles....


Strange thoughts I know...but it is merely the musing of my little mind...but, it made me realize that I am so lucky, yes lucky to have these stresses, these irritations, when friends such as Stacey-Lynne prays that her little boy will not be afraid or in to much pain when he goes in for yet another painful surgery. Or maybe she worries that her little girls are not being washed in a super clean tub with just the right amount of bubbles...or maybe it is only mummy who can untangle their hair gently and she is far away in Montreal.

Anyways, I realize this post is all over the place...maybe I should be writing this to myself only...because even as I write it I am censoring myself because in reality, I can't say what is on my heart entirely...but so many people struggle. We all have our stuff...and to each of us...it can be heavy. So, I find myself wondering about people and where their at and how their doing or why things change the way they do...but things do change...we all do...and when the winds of change come rolling thru...you need to ride it out. If your lucky, it isn't to much or to painful...or maybe it is only enough to blow the dust off...but you can't stop the wind. So, as I blow about in the wind, I am praying for strength not only for myself but others that I care about...I hope we all have a soft landing when the dust settles.

Heard a great quote tonight..."life doesn't give a damn about our plans...but how we roll with it is what counts!" So true!

6 comments:

shane magee said...

this is beautiful wendy. thanks for taking risks in your writing. i can see so much of your heart here. you are a wonderful, complex, complicated, thoughtful person and i'm so happy to have you as a friend.

i hear the struggle and appreciate it. yours is definitely different than mine, but the fact that we struggle is identical.

this is getting closer to the heart of wendy and it's a beautiful thing to share in.

thank you.

restyled home said...

As usual, you leave me wanting to reach through the computer and give you a hug...You don't have to feel guilty for feeling stressed and thus doing a little venting. You wear so many hats for so many people, and sometimes it just catches up to you and you get TIRED, physically and emotionally...

I will always remember the time I got to go apple picking with you, Mum, and all our children. To me, it was a perfect day, and the ease of those outings (to the kids) is what makes the memory so idyllic. We know (and sometimes gripe about) what goes into each family outing, but we absorb the work and the stress and many times it is well worth it. You are what I call a "memory maker", and it is a noble role indeed. Just don't forget to sit back and breathe and be in the moment, for YOU!!

By the way, my jaw hurts like HELL!!! I didn't think it would be this painful! I'm such a sucker...
I'm writing this while well-medicated by some Tylenol #3's, so forgive the typos and rambling thoughts!!

Now, back I go to get caught up on last seasons Grey's...sooo good!

Patricia said...

What we worry about depends on what is happening that instant in life. When an emergency happens, or surgery, or anything comes up, everything else falls by the wayside ~ until "normal life" returns. As you said yourself last night (while dragging that raft in), it is a phase in time. Or, a season in time. I take comfort in knowing that I'm pretty average and have discovered that what I think is quite average too - ie, there are a lot of people out there feeling the same way. We just don't share it out loud but if we did, you know you're not alone. I do not believe many of us write what is truly in our hearts or minds... some things should not be left permanently, to be misconstrued at some future moment in time.... I was pretty cranky on Friday night, getting ready to head to New Glasgow, for the same reasons you were out of sorts heading off to the apple farm.

Terri said...

Oh, sounds like heaven. I haven't gone apple picking in years. I will check back on you and catch up. Where are you in NB? I grew up in a wee town halfway between Fredericton and Miramichi...

Thanks also for your thoughtful comments on my post about my flight. Your thoughts are appreciated more than you know!

Terri

restyled home said...

I've been thinking about Thanksgiving, and family just pops in my head. Family will always be there...and their love is PURE and unconditional. It's also thicker than water...and the funny thing about water is you can see through it...it is transparent, and is all it needs to exist on its own. Blood depends on oxygen, force, and and endurance to do as it should.
Don't mind me...I took your advice and popped a Demerol for the pain!! Juat a LITTLE bit spacey...

Loving you and all your FAULTS,
your sister, and unwavering supporter...
Linda

onelittlemustardseed said...

Wow, such kind words all around, I am blessed!

Patricia, for an average gal your profoundly wise and your blog is an inspiration! Terri, I live in Quispamsis and I know you will be giving thanks this year...what an amazing experience you have been thru.

Linna, if only I could be there for you right now while you are suffering so terribly. I'm glad you popped the demerol..I hope it is working. I ache knowing your in pain like this and I hope your doctor fixes you tonight. If he doesn't, I will come and help you till your mouth heals! I could practice getting your kids out to school for you...it will give me a sample of what I have to look forward to. Love you!