Sunday, January 22, 2012
your best isn't always good enough....
I have four children that have been my sole passion for so many years. Every decision from breastfeeding, cloth diapering, homemade baby food to homeschooling, food, toys, tv shows, music...everything has been front and center for me. My goal was always to raise my children to be healthy and as free from childhood baggage, to give them as idyllic childhood that I could and within that, the love, hugs, kisses and trust that they gave me freely was my fuel when I felt overwhelmed with motherhood and the high expectations I put on myself.
I remember having this aha moment maybe a year or two ago...I realized that my kids now saw me as the flawed individual that I am. That choosing the right movie was no replacement for losing my temper with my kids. That picking juice as a snack drink instead of pop did not offer me a guarantee that they would believe as I believe in the future. All my high ideals to give them the best was minimized when you finally really see each child as free to make their own choices, and they may not be what you would choose. I was discovering that my kids were incredibly individual and they were on their own path and all I can do is guide them, love them and pray for them.
I have one kid who sees no real benefit in studying to hard since the high achieving NB Education system does not count your marks as important until grade 11. How do you fight such a lame attitude??? He feeds my fear of mediocrity and the dumbing down of our children to be sheeps in a system geared to raise a generation of people who do not question...I may see a future that will be a huge challenge to the young people of today, many who will need to take up the mantle to solve some huge problems and to stand firm in their convictions! He may see a life as being a creator of the latest video games...ack!!!! All I can do is encourage, set limits and trust in the big picture which is hidden from me right now.
I think I am realizing that you can only do your best and your best may not be good enough..and that is for all things, not just raising your children. We are all on this journey of life and and we all need to blaze our own trails. I have this wonderful little boy who comes into the food pantry at church. His name is Donovan and he has been visiting each week to receive some new books that I give him to read and some treats such as drinking boxes, granola bars, etc.. He has stolen my heart because here is this kid coming in each week, his coat is old, my offers for new mitts are refused, today I even zippered his coat for him before he left into the -17 temperatures...he leads me to wonder about his future. Often people can rise above their tough upbringings and many times not. I can only do the small amount that I'm doing for this little boy and pray that it reminds him that people do care, he is important and that God loves him.