Like many woman I struggle to like let alone love the body I reside in. I struggled with anorexia as a teen, but I honestly don't believe I was anorexic because I thought I was fat...but more so, I was rebelling against some pretty horrible conditions and what I put into my mouth was the only thing I truly controlled...in an bizarre way, it was the emancipation/liberation of me...but it wasn't till I spent many months in hospital did I become free from anorexia thru a healing from Jesus that in all honesty I didn't recognize till later.
This image is one I find amazingly beautiful and one I identify with. I have never felt more feminine or powerful than when I was pregnant, birthing or breastfeeding. I truly became aware of the power and strength in a woman's body! To often, with the push towards medicalized, overly sanitized births, with all feelings removed... woman are losing out on a very empowering experience because they are detached from their own bodies.
The other thing I struggle with is the fact that gaining and losing weight reflects my own inward struggles...openly. During pivotol periods in my life, my inner anguish has either shown itself in loss of weight or in gaining weight....I am still mad at myself for coping with this past year by eating to much! I want to find new ways to handle stress or tiredness. The work to lose weight is hard...I can't keep bouncing around like this!
I know it is a constant struggle for woman...and men...to balance it all...but for the time being...I hope I can love myself the way Jesus tells me to love myself! Not to be concerned with vain things as they are fleeting...but darn it...clothes are fun and I miss being able to express myself thru fun outfits and funky jewellery!
The one thing I am discovering is that self-esteem is earned! The more effort you put into nurturing your body and soul the better you feel. So, taking the time to work out and lift weights is great for my body...choosing books to read that nourish my mind and my soul...all work together to make me strong and healthy! I just need to remind myself that gaining weight wasn't an overnight event and losing the weight won't be either!