I Can Breathe....

On Sunday night we went to a birthday celebration with all the people from my church. It was a wonderful evening, relaxed, fun and easy. The McCready's who hosted it are the most kindest, nicest, relaxed people whom I am happy to say we are slowly getting to know. The highlight for me was seeing a friend there that I had been wanting to talk to...who had recently lost her fiancee to suicide. I guess I just wanted her to know that I really cared and she was in my thoughts and prayers almost daily since it happened.

Well, as it happened she came over as I was chatting to her mum and she became upset because there was a photo of her fiance Nato on the fridge. I in turn started crying too...which is something I hate doing, and I was even more embarrassed because I was at a party!!!! But, I really ached for her and for me because I can't reconcile Michele's suicide. So...that night, Sarah and I ended up talking and crying together on the stairs. I was finally able to express my inner turmoil to someone who understood and I didn't feel the need to over explain myself. She just understood my suffering as I understand hers...even though her loss is so much more incredibly personal.

I admire Sarah so much...she is such a fighter with the most beautiful spirit...she also has two amazing sisters and I often get homesick for my own sister when I see the three of them together...I've wanted to jump in and beg to be adopted!

Since Sunday night, I have felt so much better. That huge knot that was cutting of my breath has receded. I realize I have been pulling away from so many things...friends, church, prayer, God, family, I've been so lost.

Three major events happened this past year that set me adrift. This may sound strange to some, but I have been dreaming in darkness at night. Unable to remember my dreams or if I did they were a jumbled mess...reflective of my inner battles.

I haven't anchored yet, but I am getting there. I noticed in the past two weeks, I have been dreaming in colour again. So many times I was blessed with beautiful dreams that I knew were from the Lord but this past year...nothing!

I have felt so cut off from the Lord but mainly I was hiding from him hoping he wouldn't see me in all my failures. It reminds me of one time when ella was about to do something naughty and she realized I was watching her. She said to me "mummy, don't see me!" I felt it was so profound because so often, we don't want Jesus to see us when we are making a mess of our lives...but the reality is he does and he loves us in spite of our failings or weaknesses.

I know that nothing in life...good or bad is wasted. I recognize the profound changes in myself that this past year forced onto me...which I am eternally grateful for. I am so much more compassionate towards others...I believe more than ever in the acceptance of Jesus who receives us as we are....but the constant struggle is to forgive ourselves, to reconcile with our own inner demons that haunt us and work hard to keep us trapped in emotions from long ago.

I hear the message to just let it go...or forgive and move on...yadda yadda insert the latest self-help mantra....but often that creates bondage as well because the person struggling to come to grips with their own stuff can in turn feel even worse because their relationship with Jesus hasn't necessarily released them from all that ails them....Often, it is the struggles that build you albeit slowly and often painfully....or at least that is what I tell myself!

Oh and Sarah, if you ever read this....I just love you so much! Sorry to sound so sappy...but your an amazing person and I hope that somehow you always feel the love and prayers that goes up for you each day from so many people that you have touched in your life!